cruelwonder | IC Contact

[He nods.]

You, uh . . . you'd probably understand better.

[He glances over at Sirius for a moment.]

What people do to other people. You understand that more than he does.

[She follows his gaze to Sirius.]

But he'll want to be there anyway. He cares for you. He'd never let you hurt.

[She threads their fingers together.]

I know.

[He swallows and leans against her.]

God. I, uh, I don't . . . I don't say it enough, you know, but, uh, thank God I got you both this time around.

[She keeps him close and kisses his head, resting her forehead against him.]

You don't need to.

[It should be just as obvious that they're attached to him.]

I love you. We both do.

I know. I love you too. Both o' you.

[A pause. He stays against her, his eyes closed.]

There was another man there. Doe, his name was-- or maybe it wasn't, maybe nobody remembered his name and that's just what Roman called him.

[A pause. He tightens his grip on her.]

I . . . and he was so mad, love, he was so far gone. I don't know how he's gonna come back. And I thought . . . that's . . . that's what I'll be in a few months, I'll just disappear in me own head and that'll be that. And it weren't fair, cuz . . . cuz for the first time, I really . . . everythin' was goin' right, you know? I had a great friend and a house and a steady job and I had-- I had a, a girl I wanted to spend the rest o' me life with.

[She lets him stay close, squeezing him in turn and closing her eyes. She kisses his head and tries not to think about Jack so far gone, catatonic and rambling and mad. She tries not to think about what that horrid man did to him.

She tries. But there are whispers and ideas and she hates those enough.]

You will never go back to something like that. I won't have it. I won't. I refuse...

[To lose him like that might almost be worse than losing him because he was killed or Ported out. She holds him tight.]

I don't want anything to happen to you. Not ever.

I've been mad too much. I don't want to go back to that. Not again.

[His breathing is ragged, too quick and too harsh.]

I went in my head-- I tried to, but he just-- he dragged me back out again, I couldn't ignore it, I never did that much pain in one go before and I wanted-- I wanted it to end any way it could, I begged him to kill me just to stop it. I thought I'd be there forever, I thought I'd never leave.

[She squeezes him gently, holding him close. To go away, to die, to let the world disappear... It's something she knows well. But she says nothing to that effect, just kissing his cheek again and keeping her arms around him.]

He'll never touch you again.

[And she never wants to see him this far gone in her lifetime.]

I'm so sorry, Jack. I'm so sorry.

[He shakes his head and curls against her, falling silent. Eventually, after a time:]

Would you forget it? If you could? If-- if you'd gone through it, and you knew how to forget it all, would you?

[She frowns, keeping close. She strokes his hair.]

After what happened before when I forgot... I don't think I would want to. But it's different for you. You were hurt. I wasn't.

Kind o' a coward's way out, though.

If it's necessary to survive, then it can't be blamed.

Yeah, but . . . what if I can survive? What if I'm just bein' a coward about all this?

I don't think you are.

[She leans against him and hugs him close.]

Can you move beyond it without...losing yourself?

[A pause.]

I don't know.

[He closes his eyes, breathing deeply, his stomach rolling in disgust as his mind flashes back over the past two weeks.]

I've never-- I thought-- I thought after Edelweiss, I could handle him, I could do anythin', but he-- god, he just--

[He buries his face in his hands. Eventually he chokes out:]

There was another guy there, and he-- he cut out his eye and he forced my mouth open and I was half outta my mind and he said it'd kill me if I ate it, it'd kill me and that's all I wanted, love, I just wanted to die and make it stop, and so I ate it.

[His eye. Oh God. She inhales sharply and closes her eyes tightly, moving to hold him a little better so he can rest against her and hide himself. She sets her chin on his head.]

God. I'm... I'm so sorry. That disgusting, horrid excuse for a person--

[She will kill Roman Sionis if she ever meets him. She will.

She lowers her voice to a whisper.]

You didn't have a choice, Jack. You didn't. I would have... I would have wanted to die too, if that had been the case...

[He nods, his hands still to his face. He can still taste him, and that makes a shudder run through him.]

And I can't stop thinkin' about it, but what do that make me if I can't even remember it? I-- I shouldn't keep runnin', I should face it and I should just deal with it, but I can't even eat no more.

Anyone else would do the same. There... There are some things people should never experience and never have to live with, Jack. This... This is one of them.

[He shakes his head again, falling silent.]

I don't know. I don't . . . he probably won't even do it. I don't know. Maybe I'll-- I'll ask him and I'll see if he even will.

[She pauses.]

...Ask who?

[He gives a rough laugh and pulls away, pushing his hair away from his face.]

Sorry. I forgot . . . Sirius. He can erase memories. He-- he did it last time. That's what made me blind, that's the spell he was tryin'. He was messin' around with me Edelweiss memories-- he's done it before-- but it backfired that time, and now he probably won't dare do it again.

[She frowns, looking over at Sirius and then back at him.]

Is that...what you really want to do?

I don't know.

[It's not snappish, but rather anguished.]

Christ, I don't . . . half o' me don't even care, I'll take blindness over these memories, but hell, Alice, it was bad enough once.

[She nods, understanding. And then she leans forward and kisses his forehead.]

I know. Perhaps... Perhaps it'll work this time.

[He sighs and nods, lying down, resting his head in her lap.]

Sorry. Didn't mean to-- to yell at you.

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wtf, I thought I replied to this GDIT LJ

DAMN YOU, LJ.

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